The Gospel According to Trump
A Holy Guide for Liberal Fools
You liberals just don’t get it. You are too dumb to comprehend the magic that is Trump. In just one month, he fulfilled all of his promises—every single one. No president, no king in the history of mankind has ever achieved such a feat.
He promised peace in the Middle East, and he delivered. Gaza is so peaceful, so quiet, you won’t even hear a single Palestinian voice. Now that’s heavenly peace. The silence is so profound that Trump is already planning to build a hotel there.
He vowed to make America affordable again, and the liberals just don’t understand business. But Trump, the genius, does. He fired hundreds of thousands of employees, and corporations followed suit. The unemployed become desperate, allowing businesses to hire at much lower wages. That’s affordability, you stupid liberals! Sure, you can barely afford one meal a day—but America is now affordable for the wealthy.
So what if Elon Musk is the Treasury’s gatekeeper? So what if he stole all your private information and fed it to his AI? He’s already the richest man in the world—stop being jealous. Yes, he’s deciding policies, wars, and peace. Yes, he’s writing his own government contracts while simultaneously shutting down USAID, denying food to starving children. So what if he controls the $24 trillion GDP, owns the satellites that power communication, WiFi, and spying, and commands one of the most influential social media platforms? So what that he wants X to become the tool for all your banking with a chip inserted inside your arm. The Evangelical Church is in full support. That makes him the God of the Bible. Your job? Worship, stay numb, and repeat what you’re told. Sleepwalk through life while Trump makes the biggest decisions for you.
And what could be more important than showing Trump’s compassion? He compromised—just for you—on renaming the Gulf of Mexico. Everyone knows that Mexicans are rapists and killers; they don’t even play golf. So why should a body of water have "gulf" in its name? Trump, the greatest golfer ever, undefeated in his own tournaments, initially wanted to rename it the Gulf of Trump. But in his infinite generosity, he thought of you, America. So now, it’s simply the Gulf of America—or golf, for short.
Yes, your Medicare and Social Security will vanish into thin air—because Trump is a magician. And Elon is a vacuum that makes it all disappear. Yes, education will deteriorate and become even more expensive. Yes, life will get harder. But how else can our king bring back the American Dream if you don’t spend your days dreaming about one day owning your very own Mar-a-Lago? It’s a dream, after all. Not something you actually get to live. Otherwise, it would be called the American Life.
Trump promised to make America great again, and he’s doing just that—restoring it to a time when white people were superior to all, even white Europeans. And before you liberals get confused—Russia isn’t part of Europe or Asia. It’s just Russia. You can’t be racist toward Russia. But everyone else? Fair game.
The true judges of morality are exactly as Jesus instructed them to be. But liberals don’t read the Good Book. If they did, they’d know that Jesus said to stone the woman. And Christians understand how much Jesus despised immigration. After all, his parents fled to Egypt, only to be deported back to King Herod—where baby Jesus was tragically executed. I highly recommend reading the Four Gospels. Trump, as our modern-day savior, is only following the divine example by deporting the non-white. After all, every real man born in the Middle East is very white. Just look at Jesus—born in Bethlehem, Middle East, but somehow the whitest man in history.
Even the Old Testament proves that God is white. He created man in his image from earth’s dirt, and what color is that? White, of course. Just look at the soil. Hold some in your hand, take a deep look—you’ll see that it’s… brown. Oops, I meant white. Adam and Eve were white, just as God intended.
And you, liberal beta males—listen up. That thing you call a daughter, sister, or mother? She was created for one purpose only: to serve men. If a man wants her to bear his child, he shall impregnate her. If he wants to punish her, he will. And if he wants to rape her, it’s his divine right.
And let me tell you one last thing—God has zero tolerance for your progressive liberalism. He has zero tolerance for private prayer. Zero tolerance for preaching love—love your neighbor, love your enemy, love one another? That’s weak. He has zero tolerance for healing the sick free of charge, feeding the hungry, or housing the homeless. And above all, zero tolerance for the idea that whatever you do to another, you do unto God himself. If you are kind, empathetic, compassionate, or loving, God will crucify you. You hippie liberal. He did it to his one and only son. Crucified and grounded. 2000 years later Jesus the rebel, liberal socialist is still grounded. It is the reason God sent Trump in his place.
So start believing. Maybe even go to church. Because God—the loving and forgiving father—is here, doing what He does best: bringing famine, disease, and ignorance out of love for you. You are the sacrifice, living in hell, so that the new and improved Adam and Eve 2.0 shall prosper. Hallelujah!
And next time you see Elon, remember: God looks like Elon. It’s scientifically proven by researchers at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Twitter confirmed it. Below is an image created by Christian elders. As a wise sage once said—he looks just like Elon.
Yes, God sure does look a lot like Elon.